What is your deficit?

Esther 2:10 “Esther had not revealed her nationality and family background, because Mordecai had forbidden her to do”. (NIV)

What is that 1 thing in your life that you choose not to reveal?

Something so dark or embarrassing that you are afraid to reveal it, for the fear of losing your credibility. Something that has the power to break you as women. It is something you hold so close to you, because you fear that if it accidentally slips out, it may be the end of you.

I call that “thing” a deficit.

A deficit is defined as a shortage of something (whatever that thing is in your life). A deficit robs you of living your full potential. It robs you of being you.

When you think of Queen Esther, you think of perfection. You think of someone exemplary, someone young girls can look up to. She is the image of a Godly woman for so many Christian women out there. You would never think that Esther may have a deficit in her life, but she did. In Esther 2:10 Mordecai advises Esther not to make know to her King that she is of Jewish Heritage he reasons behind this request were of a great magnitude, as Esther had the fate of a an entire nation in her hands. We all know that she had to keep that part of her life a secret for a greater purpose. If we were to look into the life of Esther on a daily basis, what would we see? Maybe Esther would avoid certain foods because she was not allowed to eat it because of religious restrictions on food? What if she was not allowed to speak her own language? Perhaps she had to avoid friends and family (even within the castle) so as to not give away her heritage? What about her husband? The most intimate relationship on this earth is between a husband and wife. Your intimacy escalates to a point where you can read each other’s behavior. You need what your partner needs and sometimes even feel what they feel. How hard must it have been for Esther to keep such a secret from her husband? We don’t really know, as the Bible does not share those finer details.

Deficits in one’s life may serve a purpose. It may be to protect others around you or even to protect yourself. A good deficit would be something that could save another’s life. A bad deficit would be something that can cause you harm. This harm does not need to be physical; oftentimes it is more emotional and psychological of nature.

I struggled with a certain deficit in my life for many years. I have a problem with smell. I tend to sweat a lot which makes other parts of my body a little stinky. As a result I avoid people. I avoid coming to close to others and I basically avoid having close intimate relationships with friends or acquaintances. I keep people at a distance. It is my way of protecting myself against the pain of someone holding their nose when I am around or someone secretly laughing at me or avoiding me. The easiest way to not get hurt is to stay away. If I find myself in situations where I am part of the crowd, I prefer to focus my eyes on something else. If I can’t see it, I can’t feel it. I am your typical Ostrich. Because of this problem I face I feel a certain sense of loneliness. I am unable to live comfortably outside of my house. I am unable to relax, because I always wonder whether I am poisoning someone’s breathing space. So I live day-to-day with the fear and pain of exposure. Unfortunately I also miss out on many opportunities to make new friends, acquaintances and even enter love relationships. This deficit has prevented me from truly living a full life.

I hope and pray that one day I will be free of this torture .I hope  that maybe there is a purpose behind all this and that I may be able to help another person who maybe going through the same type of problem. Rejection is a very painful experience and I will share more about that another time. I just hope and pray that the Lord will help me carry this load until a time where I have made it through the test. I choose to remain positive. I hope that you will do so too.

May the Lord be with you.